Musings From The Trail

Musings From The Trail

Blowing in the Wind

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Lyons, CO

Wow – it’s been almost 3 months since I spouted off here in my Blog.

That’s a LONG time for me to go underground. But I have a very good reason for going all “Turtle” and disappearing from view – I moved cross-country this fall. Moving from one state to another is tough even for a flexible, go with the flow type chick like me. (My husband is laughing hysterically right now about my “go with the flow” description of myself. But hey! This is my Blog and if I want to view myself as easy going, he should just learn to hush up… 🙂

So, more about moving. Any change is tough – most humans do NOT like things in their life to shift around or change much at all. But I have always prided myself on enjoying change. I used to do corporate change management work, for God’s sake! This move cross-country was a change that I pushed for and WANTED. And yet… this move was unsettling to say the least (pun intended).

It always takes me awhile to find ground and establish a new routine whenever I move, even just across town. But, silly me – I thought a much anticipated, much desired change would be easier. Hah! Maybe it’s because I’m an Earth sign (Taurus); I tend to root deeply into each place I live. Or maybe all those therapists are right when they claim that moving is one of the top three stressors in Life for everyone. Even good change is hard and stressful.

After our move, I felt unmoored, ungrounded, unsettled, off-balance. Like the least little breath of trouble might blow me right off my feet. It took me weeks to feel at home and truly relax in this new place. I knew what I needed – I needed to find gound. Hah! So it’s time to practice what I preach all day long to my clients, huh God?! I’m supposed to know how to do this, right?

What finally worked for me? What helped me find ground and settle in this new place? Meditating and consciously grounding my legs and hips helped me immensely And walking in the mountains was a God-send for me. The energy of the Rockies is very grounding (go figure!). And oddly enough, the simple act of unpacking our treasures helped a lot. Having boxes everywhere is very unsettling for me.

Yesterday I came across an essay named Finding Ground that I wrote a few years ago And I laughed to myself as I read it – if only I could have accessed all the wisdom I expressed in it during my “unsettled days” this fall.

My new home is good – I’m the one grinning from ear to ear every time I look outside and see the Rockies. It’s going to be years before this “flatlander” takes living in the mountains for granted.

Life is good here. Probably because I am finally completely HERE.
Much love and hugs from the mountains.

I encourage you to also read  “Finding Ground”, with the hope that it might help you
face the chaos of change in your life.


Puppy Morning

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I am awake before the sun. I want – no I NEED to go to the bathroom! But puppy is asleep and I can hear it raining outside; do I really want to wake up puppy and risk a trek outside in the dark rainy pre-dawn hour? My bladder say YES, so I get up and go to the bathroom. Puppy is instantly awake and ready to rumble, but amazingly she settles back down when I return to bed. Thank God for a crate trained puppy!

The alarm wakes both puppy and me a few hours later. I dress quickly and take her out for her morning pee. It’s still raining and the sprinklers are running as well. Oh joy. Third morning in a row for the sprinklers. Apparently we still haven’t figure out the sprinkler program. Mommy dog (that’s me) must go out with puppy or puppy won’t do her business – that rule seems to be written in the puppy code! I am a good dog, so out I go with puppy into the rain. The yard is a swamp and soon both puppy and I are wet and bedraggled. I stand in the swampy grass, wondering what the neighbors think of my “wet dog” in pajamas look!

Finally back inside, mission accomplished. We head upstairs – I walk, puppy romps right behind me. I feel like breaking into a chorus of “Me and my Shadow”. We wake up the big blonde “puppy”, my daughter. And she is so thrilled to be awakened at 7am – NOT! Why does school starts at the earliest hour for teenagers? Are we adults cruel hearted, or what?!

I race back downstairs with puppy at my heels. It is time to feed puppy and 2 very impatient cats. The cats see puppy and hiss their disdain for this furry interloper. The cats have probably been plotting puppy’s demise all night. Luckily puppy is bigger than both of them or puppy would be a chewed up cat toy by now.

Upstairs, downstairs, upstairs again – it’s the puppy diet and exercise plan!

Cats fed, check. Puppy fed. check. Daughter fed, check. Back out into the swamp for puppy’s post-meal pee, check. I sit down – FINALLY – and then my daughter comes in the house to say she’s missed the bus somehow.A bus that stops right next to our house. I race upstairs, grab the dog crate for the car, load puppy and daughter up – wait! mommy dog needs shoes. Finally dressed, load puppies into the car and hurry to school to drop off big puppy.

Here is a pic of Big Blonde puppy with Little Labradoodle puppy:

When we arrive at big puppy’s Middle School, it is a ghost town; no cars in the circle, no kids. It is quiet – too quiet. Just me, my daughter and puppy. Something is wrong here. Is it Saturday or something?! No, it’s definitely Wednesday. So, where is everybody?

“Oh yeah, it’s a late start day!”, my daughter exclaims. “School starts two hours late today!”… I stare at her in disbelief. What, pray tell, happened to the memo that was supposed to tell mom and dad about THAT? My daughter laughs hysterically. “Please don’t beat me, mom!” … Did I mention that she’s quite dramatic as well as forgetful?

I laugh with her and turn the car around for home. My daughter has the right idea; what else is there to do except laugh hysterically?

It’s been a crazy morning and I am just getting started. It’s been a puppy morning.

Milestones

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This blog entry is dedicated to my son Henry. He graduates from high school in a few weeks – Hooray for him! He’s the one with wild auburn hair in the photo you see above. Having my son reach the “advanced” age of 18 has made me a bit introspective, so please bear with me today if I ramble and carry on…

I am so proud of my son. From an early age, Henry viewed school as mainly boring and a bit ridiculous; in his opinion, school was one of those silly things that adults force kids to do. So now that he’s graduating on time and with decent grades and it is a big deal to me.

Henry is smart as a whip and funny and kind. He also LOVES to test every rule and push against anything he disagrees with. That’s the kind of skill that provokes strong reactions from people and really irritates most teachers. So you can probably understand why school would be a challenge! BTW, I cannot imagine where Henry gets that provocative part from! <vbgrin>

Dare I admit that I have spent an inordinate amount of time stumbling around in the dark as a parent?? Doesn’t Rule #1 in the parent handbook say something about always acting like you know exactly what you’re doing??! Hah! Actually I threw my copy of the parent handbook away a LONG time ago – none of the stuff in there ever worked with my son – or my youngest daughter! Consequently, I do a lot of trial and error parenting – let’s try this… no wait – that made it worse, how about that… oh God, what do I do now??

Well, Henry made it to age 18 with body, heart and soul reasonably intact, despite my clueless parenting. That’s something to celebrate. He has turned out to be an amazing guy. Don’t get me wrong, Henry is a teenager and it is all I can do some days not to throttle him. On days when he is dismissing everything I say and acting like a total know-it-all, I have trouble seeing anything but red. I cannot imagine where Henry gets that know-it-all trait from! <vbgrin>

There is a reason that chimps and lions and many other mammal species kick their young out of the family right after they reach puberty. It’s because when kids hit puberty, they temporarily turn into insufferable twits around their parents. It happened to me. And now my karma is that my kids treat me like I use to treat my parents! Some days my teens act like I am a complete idiot. But the great thing about being my age is knowing that these obnoxious teenage tendencies will pass. I just have to be patient; I’ll be smart and cool again in 5-10 years. 🙂

My son is graduating in 3 weeks! Next thing you know, he’ll be working and settling down; getting married and raising his own kids. Unbelievable. The strange thing about being a parent is that I can close my eyes and still see him as a newborn and the image of him as a baby is just as clear as if I birthed him 2 days ago. But then I open my eyes and see this tall 18 year old guy in front of me. He’s amazingly smart, funny & caring. And I am so proud to have him in my tribe.

Congratulations Henry – you did it!
I love you to the moon and back.

Beautiful

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A big Thank You to Carole King, who wrote my Blog entry today:

You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel.

Waiting at the station with a workday wind a-blowing
I’ve got nothing to do but watch the passers-by
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don’t see it showing, why do I?

You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel.

I have often asked myself the reason for sadness
In a world where tears are just a lullaby
If there’s any answer, maybe love can end the madness
Maybe not, oh, but we can only try.

You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel.

(those are my beautiful kids in the pic).

Here and Now

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Here and now it is sunny outside

I chop carrots. Mince garlic.

Heat oil. Salivate.

Inhale the aroma.

 

Here and now I am sad inside

I grieve. Shed tears

Ponder death. 

See pain all around.

 

Here and now I sit with it all

Breathe pain. Breathe sorrow.

Breathe garlic and sun

Open to life.

Wet Mother

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There’s a message in the water, they say
Yes! I cry
She says dive in, enjoy
Love your juice
The wet messy wonder
In the flow of life.

There’s emotion in the water, they say
Yes! I cry
All tears and fears
Rage and sorrow
The entire saga is there
Within your flow.

This Earth’s all about the water, they say
Yes! I cry
Whales sing their song
A love for mother ocean
Who birthed you
And flows within still.

You are more water than solid, they say
Yes! I cry
The better to flow
Within, ride ocean’s wave
Connect with mother
Warm wet mama.
Juicy blue.

Finding Ground

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Foggy Foothills
     Yesterday the dogwood tree in my yard was covered with green leaves; this morning all but two low branches are deep maroon. Amazing how fast that shift happened. Autumn has been whispering its way towards Kansas City for weeks. The wild rainstorm yesterday seems to have signaled its official arrival. The air is cooler, crisper today. And I notice leaves turning yellow, orange and maroon everywhere I look. Changes in my personal life are like that; little hints of change and subtle shifts happen that I often miss or ignore. Then, wham, a storm blows through and in the aftermath I look around surprised to see profound changes in myself or those around me.

I took a walk down the creek path this morning. The day is gorgeous; sunny with a cool wind and high wispy clouds in a bright blue sky. Jacket weather is here. Quite a contrast with yesterday’s cold gray skies and hours of torrential downpour. The heavy rains left the creek high, very high. And the storm water has noticeably altered the creek in just one day. In one spot, long hairy orange tree roots dangle in mid-air over the far curve of the creek bank. Yesterday the roots were encased in dirt; today they dangle free and unsupported. I have had days like that – I wake up to discover that the very ground I have been rooted in and attached to is suddenly gone.

Most humans are not very good at handling change and I am no exception. With change comes fear; that feeling of the world shifting out from under me, of dangling in mid-air without support is very scary. Sometimes I get stuck in that state of fear and I start to worry that problems and instability are all I have to look forward to.

I say that I believe in a benevolent God; a God who takes care of the earth and all living creatures; a God who it omnipotent and all-knowing; a God from which all of life flows. And yet when my path gets rough or the world seems dark, I have trouble trusting that God truly does know what she is doing and all is well.

Any change or shift in my life can trigger the fear. The shift can be something as simple as a change in my schedule or diet, or as profound as divorcing my first husband. The size or importance of the shift does not necessarily determine how well I cope with the change. Any shift, big or small, can be difficult.
The trees on the creek bank seemed to handle change better than I normally do. Trees instinctually know to lean away from instability and sink new roots into whatever ground is left to support them. In contrast, I flounder for days, feeling angry and off balance, bemoaning whatever changed in my life. I grieve for the support I lost. I forget to breathe and lean into the support I still have.

Trees have a visceral trust in the Universe or Earth to support them and provide for them no matter what happens. I have trouble trusting in the good of the Universe that profoundly in the midst of change. I get caught up in grieving what I have lost instead of opening to what is now possible. I forget to pray or meditate and I lose my connection to ground.

Faith and trust in the good of God is my ground, the core bedrock that won’t shift out from under me no matter what. For me, faith and trust come from cultivating my internal KNOWING sense of God as good and benevolent rather than mean or indifferent. That loving essence of God is always with me, around me, within me. I sense it when I work with clients, when I pray, when I watch children play, when I hug someone. And yet I also forget it again and again. I lose my connection to God and I flounder.

Buddhism tells me that I suffer when I cling and grasp, when I try to keep things from changing. Nothing is permanent except Buddha or God. And Christianity tells me to build my faith on the rock of Christ. Judaism implores me to trust in the Lord. Peace of mind comes from letting go and trusting that God or Buddha is in charge. Letting go and trusting in God to handle the affairs of the world is the only answer.

I find that I must tend to my trust and faith like a tender young seedling in my garden. My faith needs to soak up the sun of other people’s loving, positive energy. And then I must water it with prayer and meditation; and trust that it already knows how to grow;

I must feed my faith by actively noticing the good in people, the love in the world. Water and feed, water and feed until my tiny bit of faith and trust in the good of God grows stronger, more resilient, more certain. Water and feed my seedling again and again until one day I discover that my seedling has grown bigger and stronger and is deeply rooted in all directions. Then every little shift no longer throws me into doubt and fear. I can be as calm as the trees on the bank of the creek. I can remember that all is well.