What is Awareness?

“Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment.
 This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, 
every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), 
every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, 
every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath. 

Every moment is the guru.

–Charlotte Joko Beck

My experience of awareness;   I take Dog Goddess Brigit on a walk by the river. We walk the same path almost every morning.  On many occasions, I have returned from our walk and realized that I didn’t really notice my surroundings at all that day. I have been completely lost in my thoughts, unaware of what was right in front of me. I have been wrapped up in planning my future or ruminating on my past and the river slipped by unnoticed by me.

But some days are different; some days I actually focus on the path and my steps and the sounds on the wind. I notice the feel of the leash in my hand, the smell of some bush or tree nearby.  And those moments when I am actually present and aware are so potent!  On my aware days, I notice many new things that I never noticed before – even though it is the exact same path Brigit and I walked yesterday.  An aware walk is magical.

It is as though I am more alive in aware moments. Awareness amps up my sensations and makes everything richer and fuller.  For me, even awareness about something heavy and hard like sorrow or pain beats feeling half alive.  I’ve learned that numbing out and avoiding yucky emotions and sensations comes at a price – if I numb out,  I will also lose the yummy sensations and emotions that make my life sing.

Meditation teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn describes awareness as being mindful, being present with whatever is in this moment. He calls it the art of “falling awake”.  Ram Das tells us to Be Here Now.  Zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of dwelling in the present moment.  Not just living… dwelling in the moment.  Seems like a very simple idea. And I find it very difficult to pull off most days!

Modern life seems to be about distraction rather than awareness; we distract ourselves by turning on TV shows we only half watch. We woof down food we don’t really even taste.  We walk around dreaming of tomorrow or lamenting yesterday. We surf on the internet, popping from screen to screen without really taking any of it in. We pride ourselves on being able to do 3 things at once, even when we can’t actually remember much about doing any of them!  Is that living?

I suspect that Dog Goddess Brigit is at least 100 times more aware than I am on any given day. My big, “superior” human brain gives me the ability to analyze and plan far beyond anything a dog can plan. And those same human abilities complicate the simple act of staying present and aware in this moment. My strength is also my weakness. Can I stop planning and analyzing long enough to notice what is here, right in front of me?  Analysis is as useless as a dog chasing her own tail when it comes to being aware.

I wonder how much I miss when I am walking through my day half aware of what’s around me here and now?  What would it take for me to double or triple how many moments of the day that I am actually present?   What if I stop analyzing EVERYTHING and put my big, silly human brain to work sensing and perceiving what is here in front of me? What is the value of analyzing what happened yesterday if I miss today?  How much richer can my day to day reality become if I make awareness my priority?

☾    ☽

Am I a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

Good Witch
Bad Witch

What if I am both a good witch and a bad witch,
depending on the day?

When did I decide that women are supposed to be sorted into good or bad? saint or sinner? When did I conclude that we are either innocent pure madonnas or conniving evil whores?

I blame my messed up need to decide whether I’m good or evil on too many Disney movies…  and I’m only half kidding!  I challenge you to name one female Disney character that is not some ridiculous caricature of pure good or pure evil.  And no, you CANNOT count the female dog in Lady and the Tramp!  I’m talking about female HUMANS in Disney movies – name one – I dare you. 🙂  Consider Snow White and her nemesis, the Evil Queen.  How about Cinderella and her Evil Step-mother?  Or there’s Ariel and the Evil Octopus Lady Ursula. We are talking some seriously twisted black and white views of women!

Or maybe I should blame it on my Christian upbringing… no, wait, those are ALL bad, evil woman images aren’t they?  Eve, Lilith, Salome, whorish Mary Magdalene. The only good female image I can come up with after years of Sunday School is Mother Mary and she is merely a vessel at the beginning of the story brought in to birth the baby Jesus. Then she exits quickly stage left.  The Bible expresses a pretty dark view of my gender.

But it’s not just women getting labelled all good or all bad.  The entire world seems to obsess about sorting everyone and every experience into good or bad, right or wrong, black or white.  We love to polarize! Watch what the politicians say about each other and you’ll see exactly what I mean.  Last week the Republicans praised Mitt Romney as our national savior and vilified Barack Obama as the evil anti-christ. This week it’s the Democrat’s turn; now Obama is wearing the white hat and Romney is pictured in black.  What if we chose to realize that BOTH candidates are just mere mortal men?  Human beings with both strengths and weaknesses?  What if we just stopped buying into this black and white bullshit?

If you hate politics, just watch a little reality TV and notice how black and white it is. The Kardashian sisters appear to spend every waking moment fighting about which of them is the good-est witch and which is the baddest!  Even the son-in-laws are sorted into good (Lamar) and evil (Scott).  It is so polarized and so divisive.  But it makes for tons of drama.  And we all just cannot seem to look away.

What if we just stopped playing the polarity game?  What if we chose to see the world as a thousand  different shades rather than just black or white?  Blow that black and white mindset up!  It only makes us crazy and upset anyway.

Ok, so what if I embrace both my good witch AND my bad witch?  Everyone who knows me will tell you I am quite capable of being both – and sometimes even in the same day. 🙂  What if I just relax and stop judging myself and my every experience as GOOD or BAD, RIGHT or WRONG?  And what if I stop judging everyone else too?

I remember a story I heard years ago about the dangers of judging our experiences as good or bad:

A farmer had only one stallion. One day, the horse jumped a fence and ran away.

All the neighbors came by saying, “Oh no!  Such bad luck! You must be so upset.”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

A few days later, his stallion came back and brought twenty wild mares with him. The man and his son corraled all the horses.

All the neighbors came by saying, “Wow! This is such good news. You must be so happy!”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

A few weeks later, one of the wild horses kicked the man’s only son, and broke the boy’s leg in 3 places.

All the neighbors came by saying, “I’m so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

The country went to war, and every able-bodied young man was drafted to fight. The war was terrible and killed many young men from the region, but the farmer’s son was spared; his broken leg prevented him from fighting.

All the neighbors came by saying, “You are so lucky! Your son didn’t have to go fight”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

What will happen if I live in a state of not judging myself or my experiences?

What will happen if I meet EVERY experience with the energy of “maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell”?

More Tree Joy

 “Wherever I stand, I hear the trees petition.”  –William Stafford

Patterns

I think of how the rain
is washing life away. 

How do I know what life
has in store for me? 

It is strange that I cannot
figure out the pattern. 

The trees are so perfect,
they know how to grow.

— Leticia Gray

This amazing poem is from Salting the Ocean; 100 Poems by Young Poets.

Poems in the book were selected by Naomi Shihab Nye.

All the poets were schoolkids in grades 1-12 when they wrote their poems.

The Everyday is Sacred

hours of forgetting

then a flash of sunlight

wind ruffles wet flesh

awash in sensation

heart stills, time stops

and I open myself

to this

falling awake

to  sun and bone

wind on water

I am here

all here in

sacred space

☾☽

 

 

One of Those Days

Ever have a day when you realize you don’t have a clue what the ‘right’ answer is? When did I decide I’m supposed to figure it all out?

When I let go and finally surrender to not knowing, a huge lightness opens up in me. Not knowing opens up a gorgeous new way to Be.

And it’s very scary to admit I don’t have the answer, don’t know what to do…

Big breath and let go of needing to figure everything out!

Don’t Pitch a Tent in Hell

Dory from Finding Nemo

I heard something once from  a Unity minister named Mary Omwake, that has stuck with me for years. Mary said, “If you’re in hell, DON”T pitch a tent!  Keep moving!”  I love the visual image in that – that image fills me with the energy of get up and go! Don’t just sit there – do something! Move!

That idea of keep moving, don’t pitch a tent in Hell, comes back to me now as I think about choice and the power in choosing.  How often have I sat, locked up and unable to choose something? How long did I sit there in discomfort or pain – “in hell” – unable to choose, unable to move?  And what keeps me locked up and sitting there in Hell, unable or unwilling to make a choice to move?  Well, for me, it’s usually fear that I will choose the wrong thing.

“Choose the wrong thing” – whew, can you feel the weight of that?! Choose the wrong thing – make a “bad” choice – mess up.  Wow, so instead of choosing anything, I will sit in pain and discomfort and discontent. I will pitch a tent and stay in my personal version of Hell.  Being wrong – choosing the wrong thing has a HUGE heavy, yucky energy to it. Do I actually abhor being wrong so much that I will sit in pain and disease; I will pitch a tent in Hell??!

When did choosing becomes so heavy and serious and difficult?  Do little kids have difficulty choosing and keeping moving?  Heck no! Try stopping a 2 year old from choosing – and choosing again – and again – and again!  Kids are like sharks; in a constant state of motion and choosing all the time. Kids stay in choice and keep moving no matter what.  Do they sit down and contemplate that last choice they made to grab that toy and whap their brother upside the head with it? No way! Do they stop and beat themselves up about how bad they are, what a bad choice that was?  No way!  Mom or Dad may put them in time out and try to force them to ruminate on their bad-ness, but it’s not something little kids waste much time on.

Little kids are definitely noticing and logging when they choose something that gets them in trouble or ends up hurting, but they do NOT sit down and contemplate their wrong-ness and the error of their ways like I do!  We have to be trained to do that ruminate on your wrong-ness crap. So, when did I decide that each choice I make is so critical and so loaded with “don’t mess up and make the wrong choice” energy  that I better slow down, stop moving and contemplate each choice for hours or days?  And does that way of being in the world serve me?

Doesn’t the decision to stop and analyze every choice from every possible angle just keep me sitting in Hell longer?

How can I choose faster and easier? How can I unlock choosing, take the weight out of it, so that next time I’m in a painful, hellish place I don’t get stuck there pitching a tent?! How can I make choices more like a kid – with the energy of an explorer? Did Lewis and Clark sit and contemplate which path to choose for days?! Heck no, they kept moving or they would have never made it to the Pacific Ocean!

I would like to get back into that childlike energy of choosing. That “let’s try this and see what happens. and if it doesn’t work out, no big deal – I’ll just choose something different” frame of mind.  How can I do that?  Is that possible at my age?  Why not?

To start moving through life like a kid exploring, I going to have to choose to stop criticizing and judging every single choice I make. THAT’s what gets me stuck – that critical, look what a “bad” choice you made there energy.

Funny, as I write this, that critical voice surfaces in my head, saying “Oh Nancy, this entire blog post is just stupid. and nobody gonna get what you’re trying to say anyway. why bother? just delete this drivel and go do something safe.”  Whew, man that is some heavy, yucky energy!  THAT is the energy of being wrong, isn’t it? But you know what, I’m going to choose to blow off that yucky nasty critical voice and publish this anyway.

I choose to publish this even though it may be incoherent or incomplete or not quite right. I choose to put this out there anyway.  I’m going to choose and choose and choose again. Because frankly, the other way – the sitting in Hell, ruminating on which tiny safe little action will turn out OK wasn’t working for me.

Like the little blue tang fish, Dory in “Finding Nemo”, I choose to “ just keep moving!”