The outer world is so loud
And filled with self-importance.
Yet, the secret places hidden within each of us
Hold even greater treasures.
Pause each day, Listen within.
Make space for wisdom to surface.
Advice to Myself; Look for My Treasure Within
Fear of Bigness
“Our imagination flies; we are its shadow on the earth.”
–Nabokov
✧
Am I actually sharing just a shadow of my true self with the world? And isn’t the part of me that I dare to share limited, pale and colorless compared to what I am capable of?! Why do I fear my true potency?
Marianne Williamson wrote about this so eloquently; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We fear being too big and bright in the world. We fear our BIG-ness, our potency.
What if I finally take the restraints off and show up in my entirety?
What if the ONLY thing that will save this beautiful planet is choosing to be my Big, Gi-normous self, no matter what? no matter what others think, no matter what others say, no matter what others do, no matter how many “rules” I break in the process?
What will it take for all of us to STOP hiding out and playing small?
What will it take for us to acknowledge and own ALL of our juicy BIG-ness?!
And… what can happen to our world when we embrace our BIG-ness?
What else is possible?
☾☽
“Your divine impulse is yearning to emerge through the human you… In that shift, the more you embrace the Self, the Light, the more you surrender to your own light, the easier it is for you.”
–Sai Maa
☾☽
Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness That most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Moon Musings
I bought a lunar calendar this year. It has the year divided into 13 moons instead of 12 months. After years of looking at the year as the month of January followed by February followed by March… it takes a bit of adjustment to track the year by moon cycles. After all, I have been trained since Kindergarten to track what month it is! But keeping track of which moon cycle we are in this year has opened my eyes to nature’s rhythms and cycles in a deeper way. And it’s shown me yet another way of looking at my world that is filled with wisdom and truth. And I have discovered that I can use and learn from both ways of looking at the world; I can follow the cycles of the moon and stars AND I can honor 4th of July and celebrate Christmas on December 25th again this year. I do NOT have to choose and lock into only one way of looking at my world. Truth and wisdom can be found in many forms.
Tracking moon cycles has deepened my awareness of my own cycles. I am female, which means my emotions ebb and flow and cycle like the moon. It is the way nature wired women to operate. Don’t believe me? Well if you’re female, find a lunar calendar and start taking note of how your mood ebbs and flows during any given lunar cycle. And if you’re male, track your wife or girlfriend’s moods. Try it and you’ll see how lunar women truly are. It is not just our menses that are tied to Mother Moon. And how cool is it to be intimately tied to Mother Moon. I find it somehow comforting.
Every year on planet Earth contains 13 lunar cycles. That’s actually not just Native American folklore – it’s astronomy. The length of our year is determined by how long it takes the Earth to go all the way around the Sun. And Mother Moon cycles around the Earth 13 times in the time it takes the Earth to cycle around Father Sun, whether we believe in and honor pagan rituals or not.
For those of you who haven’t ever paid attention to the moon before, a new moon is the time every month when the moon is dark and cannot be seen in our night sky. A new moon lasts 2-3 nights and then a tiny sliver of the waxing (growing) moon shows herself again in the night sky. In many earth based traditions, each new moon marks the beginning of a cycle. Many ancient cultures who were more intimately tied to the natural cycles on Earth, believed that new moon energy marks the perfect time for renewal and / or beginning new projects.
We entered the 10th moon cycle last weekend.
Several years ago, I discovered a wonderful book that shares Native American wisdom and legends about each moon cycle on our Earth; it’s called The 13 Original Clan Mothers by Jamie Sams. One Clan Mother or Grandmother is said to watch over us in each lunar cycle. I don’t know about you, but I LOVE the idea of Grandmothers guiding and watching over me (some would label me a female chauvinist). And I also adore the magical names that Sams uses to describe the energy of what each Grandmother focuses on.
1st Moon: Talks with Relations
2nd Moon: Wisdom Keeper
3rd Moon: Weighs the Truth
4th Moon: Looks for Woman
5th Moon: Listening Woman
6th Moon: Storyteller
7th Moon: Loves All Things
8th Moon: She Who Heals
9th Moon: Setting Sun Woman
10th Moon: Weaves the Web <== Our current lunar cycle
11th Moon: Walks Tall Woman
12th Moon: Gives Praise
13th Moon: Becomes Her Vision
This past weekend, we entered the domain of Weaves the Web Grandmother. Weaves the Web is a favorite of mine, probably because I spend HOURS exploring creativity and writing. Here is a snippet of what Jamie writes about Clan Mother Weaves the Web:
“Weaves the Web represents the creative principle within all things…Working with the truth is her Cycle of Truth. She teaches us how to use our hands to create beauty and truths in tangible forms… Weaves the Web is the Guardian of the Creative Force in all things. She helps us express our creativity in a positive manner and use the energy available to us. This Clan Mother is also the Keeper of Life Force and instructs us to create health, to manifest our dreams, to develop and use our talents, and to access our spiritual potentials…”
Several things light up and become more obvious to me when I read about and meditate on the energy of Weaves the Web; First, as a writer I’d like to remember that Creative juice flows through all of creation on Earth. And what I write and create with that juice is not really mine to “own” – it’s just my interpretation of the the magical creative juice that fuels our world. And that juice carries fundamental Truths that permeate every corner of our Universe.
Truth can take many forms. Every spiritual tradition contains gems and nuggets of truth and wisdom that are available to help me in this crazy, confusing cycle of days known as a lifetime. If I decide that one teacher or one school of thought is the only source of truth for me, then I lock up and limit my world and my possibilities.
Finding and holding onto truth can be as elusive as trying to catch a fish as it flashes in the sun at the surface of a lake for just a brief instant. Wrapping words around the truth to explain it is a very tricky business; no words ever completely catch the essence of a truth because truth is an energy, a sensation of lightness and expansion. My truth creates space and opens up a new view of the world to me. Words never quite do justice to the energy that is truth.
When I search for truth, I can choose to put blinders on and follow only one teacher as though he or she holds all the keys that will unlock me and lead me to wisdom. Many people prefer that way – it simplifies their search for truth and wisdom. But I can refuse to wear blinders. I can choose to search out those flashes of truth from every teacher, every tradition, every corner of the Universe that catches my awareness and speaks to me. The second way takes more patience and goes against the norm, but I find it to be infinitely more rewarding.
In every moment of my search for that elusive flash of truth in my world, I have a choice. And I choose truth in whatever form it shows itself to me.
🌙
Joy Patrol – the Full Scoop
4am – I wake up to a strange sound… can it be? Yes, it’s raining here! Finally. After a brief stint at the window with Dog Goddess Brigit – the smell of wet pine trees is AMAZING (!) – I return to bed and the land of nod.
7am – I prepare to go on Dawn Joy Patrol. My mission? To Hunt down Joy wherever it may be hiding… But first – what do I wear for this special mission??!
7:30am – After a brief descent into angst and indecision, I have chosen an outfit for Joy Patrol! It consists of groovy, yet functional Safari pants (may be rough out there) and a Bedazzled T-shirt. Oh yes, and a silly grin must be part of every Joy uniform 🙂
8am – My ADD gerbil brain flashes on a photo I found weeks ago of my brother and I reporting for Joy Patrol duty. Today’s Joy Patrol mission is happily sidetracked for 10 minutes while I locate the photo in question. LOL – We were such happy young whippersnappers! Apparently John and I already knew the value of wearing silly glasses and grinning like fiends when you are hunting for joy…
the early years
8:15am – Hubby David and I rendezvous at Amante Coffee in north Boulder for provisions. My Soy Bhakti and Brego are exquisite. Hooray for joyful tastebuds!
However, I find the hip Amante crowd to be super serious and unsmiling. When David dares me to whistle, and I comply with a short rendition of “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” – people are not amused. The Amante crowd actually appears to be questioning my sanity. Such is the price one pays as a bona fide member of the Joy Patrol. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make…
8:45am – I leave Amante and head out to hunt for joy on a walk with Dog Goddess Brigit. Our search for Dog Joy is stalled by several streets to nowhere and roadblocks (a common occurrence when on the road to Joy):
9am – Brigit and I finally arrive at Wonderland Lake in north Boulder. Despite the rain, Dog Goddess Brigit is quite happy to report for Joy Patrol this morning.
10am Brigit’s full Joy Patrol report is illegible – it must be hard to type with wet paws. Luckily I am here, ready and willing to translate for the Dog Goddess!
The gist of Brigit’s report is as follows: Yucky part of Dog Joy Patrol in the rain? Drippy nose and ears. Favorite part? Stinky MUD everywhere!!!
My report on the dog joy portion of Dawn Joy Patrol? A picture is worth a thousand words…
(No joke… that is really the name of the lake)
Next stop on my personal Joy Patrol? Who can say? I happily go wherever Joy has been rumored to be hiding. Stay tuned…
Advice to Myself – Seek Joy
“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world
and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
–E.B. White
Why choose one or the other? What if BOTH are possible?
What if I can work with Joy, eat with Joy, move with Joy, live with Joy AND leave the world a better place?
What if the simple act of going for Joy brings light to the entire world, to all humanity?
What if the seemingly selfish act of pursuing Joy is the easiest, most graceful way to change everything?
✧
EVERYTHING within me that’s getting in the way of JOY, blow it up!
Make space for Joy now.
Safe Travels, Dad
I spent a lot of time with my dad this weekend. Dad is 85 and lives in a locked nursing home unit. He is locked in because my mom is fading away with Alzheimer’s, and my dad cannot wrap his head around the idea of letting her go. Dad literally cannot conceive of allowing her to go without him. He has had multiple strokes as his body-mind fights against the inevitable.
Dad obsesses about my mom’s deterioration, he yells at her and even smacks her because she no longer knows who he is. All this craziness from a calm, gentle soul who adores his wife. This from a man who rarely raised his voice before my mom got sick. Now Dad tries to guard my mom. He constantly worries that someone on the nursing home staff will hurt her or kill her. His behavior has gotten so bad, that my siblings and I reluctantly moved him to a locked unit. Now Dad rarely gets to see the love of his life.
This move has been another heartbreak for Dad. And it is heartbreaking for me to watch. Now that he’s separated from my mom, he is rapidly deteriorating physically. This man who never took medications and was always strong and tough as nails is fading fast now that his last job – the job of protecting his wife – has ended.
I sat with my dad as he slept this weekend. I watched him sleep and thought about everything that he has been through. My dad is strong willed and tenacious; he doesn’t give up easily. As a young man, he pushed and worked and became the first person in his family to go to college. Then he pushed and he worked and he became an award winning engineer with patents in his name. He pushed and he worked and he went much further than his parents every dreamed was possible for him. And then life threw something at him that only got worse when he pushed against it. Life threw something at him that demanded surrender and allowance.
I have not seen my dad for about 6 weeks, and there has been a big shift in his appearance and his behavior; he has transformed in just a few short weeks. He has stopped trying to halt my mom’s deterioration. He has finally stopped pushing. He has let go. I sat and looked at my dad’s body that has aged so much in just a few weeks. I sat with Dad and watched his peaceful face as he slept. I sat with Dad and I knew that he will soon let go completely and leave this body and this life that had become so painful for him. I sat with my dad and I cheered him on; YES! Let go, Dad. Surrender. Allow life to be however it is. Let go and leave all the pain behind.
This could be a story about the pain of love lost or the harsh realities of aging and dying in America today. My Dad’s past few years have overflowed with both of those things. But for me, this is a lesson in how life can deteriorate into pain and pure misery if I grasp at it and try to hold it still. My Dad’s story teaches me what can happen if I resist and refuse to flow with whatever life throws at me. It’s a lesson about how I can create huge problems and pain when I resist the change that is an inevitable part of life.
I love you, Dad. Leave this painful place. Let go and go. I will miss you so AND it’s OK to go now. Safe travels, Dad.
Don’t Pitch a Tent in Hell
I heard something once from a Unity minister named Mary Omwake, that has stuck with me for years. Mary said, “If you’re in hell, DON”T pitch a tent! Keep moving!” I love the visual image in that – that image fills me with the energy of get up and go! Don’t just sit there – do something! Move!
That idea of keep moving, don’t pitch a tent in Hell, comes back to me now as I think about choice and the power in choosing. How often have I sat, locked up and unable to choose something? How long did I sit there in discomfort or pain – “in hell” – unable to choose, unable to move? And what keeps me locked up and sitting there in Hell, unable or unwilling to make a choice to move? Well, for me, it’s usually fear that I will choose the wrong thing.
“Choose the wrong thing” – whew, can you feel the weight of that?! Choose the wrong thing – make a “bad” choice – mess up. Wow, so instead of choosing anything, I will sit in pain and discomfort and discontent. I will pitch a tent and stay in my personal version of Hell. Being wrong – choosing the wrong thing has a HUGE heavy, yucky energy to it. Do I actually abhor being wrong so much that I will sit in pain and disease; I will pitch a tent in Hell??!
When did choosing becomes so heavy and serious and difficult? Do little kids have difficulty choosing and keeping moving? Heck no! Try stopping a 2 year old from choosing – and choosing again – and again – and again! Kids are like sharks; in a constant state of motion and choosing all the time. Kids stay in choice and keep moving no matter what. Do they sit down and contemplate that last choice they made to grab that toy and whap their brother upside the head with it? No way! Do they stop and beat themselves up about how bad they are, what a bad choice that was? No way! Mom or Dad may put them in time out and try to force them to ruminate on their bad-ness, but it’s not something little kids waste much time on.
Little kids are definitely noticing and logging when they choose something that gets them in trouble or ends up hurting, but they do NOT sit down and contemplate their wrong-ness and the error of their ways like I do! We have to be trained to do that ruminate on your wrong-ness crap. So, when did I decide that each choice I make is so critical and so loaded with “don’t mess up and make the wrong choice” energy that I better slow down, stop moving and contemplate each choice for hours or days? And does that way of being in the world serve me?
Doesn’t the decision to stop and analyze every choice from every possible angle just keep me sitting in Hell longer?
How can I choose faster and easier? How can I unlock choosing, take the weight out of it, so that next time I’m in a painful, hellish place I don’t get stuck there pitching a tent?! How can I make choices more like a kid – with the energy of an explorer? Did Lewis and Clark sit and contemplate which path to choose for days?! Heck no, they kept moving or they would have never made it to the Pacific Ocean!
I would like to get back into that childlike energy of choosing. That “let’s try this and see what happens. and if it doesn’t work out, no big deal – I’ll just choose something different” frame of mind. How can I do that? Is that possible at my age? Why not?
To start moving through life like a kid exploring, I going to have to choose to stop criticizing and judging every single choice I make. THAT’s what gets me stuck – that critical, look what a “bad” choice you made there energy.
Funny, as I write this, that critical voice surfaces in my head, saying “Oh Nancy, this entire blog post is just stupid. and nobody gonna get what you’re trying to say anyway. why bother? just delete this drivel and go do something safe.” Whew, man that is some heavy, yucky energy! THAT is the energy of being wrong, isn’t it? But you know what, I’m going to choose to blow off that yucky nasty critical voice and publish this anyway.
I choose to publish this even though it may be incoherent or incomplete or not quite right. I choose to put this out there anyway. I’m going to choose and choose and choose again. Because frankly, the other way – the sitting in Hell, ruminating on which tiny safe little action will turn out OK wasn’t working for me.
Like the little blue tang fish, Dory in “Finding Nemo”, I choose to “ just keep moving!”