Power of Choice – Page 19 – Wild Feminine Path

December 10, 2013April 12, 2022

Rooted in Nature

“If we surrendered to earth’s intelligence
we could rise up rooted, like trees. ”

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Can we live joyfully in harmony with nature?

Most modern city dwellers are completely out of touch with the cycles of nature. And we have created such a long path between natural cause and effect, that it is difficult to see what we are doing to ourselves. It is far from obvious to a suburban family that the water coming from their tap started out as rain or snowmelt flowing into a nearby reservoir. The water flowing from their tap seems endless no matter what the weather does.

Most of us have no idea where the wheat was grown that made our morning bagel, much less if it was a good year or bad for the wheat crop. Did river water diverted to a low reservoir near Denver hurt the wheat crop in Garden City? The trail from cause to effect is so long that the average person has no idea what effect their actions have on the natural environment. And this disconnect is at the root of many modern problems.

We have become blind, deaf and dumb to our role in the natural world.

No matter how much we try to tame and “civilize” this world with all of our technical wizardry – and no matter how smart we think we have become – we are still animals governed by the laws of nature. And I wonder what is truly civilized about dishonoring and destroying the planet that feeds us?

Insulating and removing mankind from nature is not the answer; it is the problem! From disastrous weather changes like the recent floods and typhoons to radioactive pollution so toxic it will haunt our grandchildren for generations, we end up hurting ourselves every single time we choose to ignore the laws of nature.

The answer is to reconnect with the natural world.
The answer is to shut up and listen to Mother Nature.

I want to embrace and understand my natural connections. And I want to honor the beautiful and gracious mother that provides for me; I want to pause and be grateful for the snowfall that becomes the water I drink. I want to spy the first shoots of pale green prairie grass pushing up out of the spring earth, and remember that the cattle herd on the hill will consume them and turn them into food for me. And I want to take the time to honor the trees that stand silent in the meadow and offer the oxygen I breathe.

I want to pause each day to acknowledge the many gifts Mother Nature provides for me.

☾ ☽

Thank you, Mother

July 8, 2013April 12, 2022

It’s the Little Things

Last month, I took part in a class called “Getting Naked” that Julia Fehrenbacher offered online. Every day for 40 days, Julia gave us food for thought and creative writing assignments. It was amazing how much I learned about myself just from getting naked every day for 40 days. I highly recommend the class if Julia runs it again.

One of the first Getting Naked assignments that Julia gave us was to log 25 things we were grateful for each and every day. When I first received this assignment, my reaction was, “Ugh – that’s crazy! I don’t have the time or energy to do that!” I come from a family of pessimists; my parents were impressionable little kids during the Depression and never completely got over living on the edge of survival. Eighty years later, gratitude is still not something that flows naturally in my family. But I have been slowly working at getting more optimistic and more grateful. So, on second thought, I decided to try this gratitude log for a few days and see what happened.

Noticing and recording my gratitudes went smoothly for the first few days. It didn’t take very long and I actually enjoyed coming up with a list of things I was grateful for. But then, on about day 5, I hit a wall. I became completely and totally resistant to writing down ANYTHING else that I was grateful for, much less 25 items a day. So, I stopped. I stopped completely. And after a few days, I noticed how crappy my mood was. And how crappy it stayed. I was a complete whiny bitch!

About day 9, after days of no gratitude log and much complaining, a quiet little voice inside me began poking at me insistently. My little voice gently suggested that I focus on gratitude again. But I’m stubborn – very stubborn sometimes. It took my inner knowing 4-5 days to convince me to start logging gratitudes again. But I finally did. And I felt better! I actually felt a lot better every time I sat down and logged 25. So much better that some days I would log 30 or 40 or 50 items in my gratitude log.

And now, even though my Getting Naked class ended a few weeks ago, I continue to log gratitudes for at least a few minutes every day. So what happened? Why would I take the time to do this gratitude log every day? Here’s what I’ve discovered about gratitude; it can completely change how your life goes. Oprah was right. 🙂

I know it sounds trite and silly. And I don’t want you to think that I’m becoming a Pollyanna or anything (Pollyanna’s are definitely not allowed in my family). But focusing on what I’m grateful for softens me up in ways I can’t even put into words. For one thing, this gratitude log gets my mind out of the perpetual worry and whine track that I am so prone to fall into. It also opens my heart to what I love about the world. This one little thing helps my day just plain flow better.

Now when I wake up cranky, I find myself actively looking for something to be grateful for right away; I have learned that if I can “reset” my awareness to gratitude setting, my entire day will shift for the better. What I focus on truly does increase.

Here are a few little things that I’m grateful for today:

Brigit’s hurt paw is healing – no more limp!
a wonderful vet in Lyons
walking by the river with Brigit again
talking with my friend JW yesterday
time to write
something to write about
hummingbirds at the feeder
Buffalo ridge outside my window
hubby and daughter coming home tonight
my spiritual ‘sister’, JP
friendly checker at the market in Lyons
finding gorgeous organic kale at the market
thunder rumbling – a cool rain is approaching
seeing the stars last night
the lavender bushes in my yard
smell of pine in the air every evening
it’s still green here in July
writing of Celtic mystic Tom Cowan
watching my kids grow into adults
cycles and rhythms of the seasons
my husband David’s voice on the phone
my daughter Izze’s laugh
my son Henry texting me and telling me what’s up with him
granite rocks – I love granite!
hot chai in a mug
little surprise cottonwood tree that rooted in the garden
a sudden mountain rainstorm this afternoon
Getting Naked with you

Ahhh, I feel better. It truly is the little things that make the most difference in my life.

☾ ☽

How about you? What are you grateful for today?

June 28, 2013April 12, 2022

Queen of Me

I have decided that it’s time to be the Queen of Me!

Seriously. I have been exploring the Celtic concept of being sovereign. This was a foreign idea to me until recently; something I had never even considered. But being sovereign in your own life is a key part of the Celtic belief system. And being of Scottish and Welsh descent, I tend to naturally resonate with all things Celtic. So, a few months ago, I began researching Celtic sovereignty. And I have been slowly teasing out what sovereignty means to me. And that’s how I became the Queen of Me. 🙂

My Celtic ancestors viewed Mother Earth herself to be the sovereign ruler of all of life; in ancient Ireland, mere mortal men were made kings only after they acknowledged and honored the sovereignty of the land. I completely agree with the idea of Mother Earth’s sovereignty; none of us would be alive on this planet were it not for the bounty of food, water and oxygen that our earthy mother provides. Mother Earth rules human life, whether we choose to acknowledge and honor her or not.

But what exactly do I mean by sovereignty? The dictionare defines it as:

Sovereignty n.

1. Supremacy of authority or rule as exercised by a sovereign or sovereign state.
2. Royal rank, authority, or power.
3. Complete independence and self-government.
4. A territory existing as an independent state.

Hmmm, yes to governing myself, yes to being independent and to holding royal rank, authority and power within myself. And the terms ‘state’ and ‘territory’ imply set boundaries to me, which every human is expected to honor and respect. Yes to honoring boundaries. A BIG Yes to sovereignty over my self and every part of my life.

When I dig further, I discover that ancient Celtic Shaman placed sovereignty at the center of the Celtic wheel of life. In many depictions of the Celtic wheel, the Tree of Life sits sovereign at the center or axis mundi of the circle. The Celtic Tree of Life holds the center, reaching limbs up and roots down to connect heaven with earth. And the tree spreads out horizontally from the center of it all, making connections with the 4 directions of north, east, south and west. I find it so beautiful and appropriate that my Celtic ancestors chose the tree to symbolize holding center and being sovereign.

A Celtic spirit wheel depicts the Celtic view of life in much the same way the Native North American medicine wheel depicts their view of life. When I look at one of these sacred wheels, or physically walk within one, I get a visceral sense of sovereignty; I understand in a deeper way how important it is for each of us to consciously own ourselves; to claim ownership of our bodies, our thoughts, our emotions, our actions and our beliefs as we live and interact in the world.

In their book, Goddesses Who Rule, Beverly Moon and Elisabeth Benard link the word “sovereign” to the Sanskrit word sva-raj, which means “self-rule”. Another meaning for raj is “luminous” or “radiance.” How fitting – embracing sovereignty is not just about ruling over one’s self but also allowing our inner luminous radiance to shine in the world. When we are sovereign, others are not allowed to control our fate. We empower ourselves. We give ourselves permission to shape ourselves and our fate and create the life we truly desire.

What would it look like if I were truly sovereign in my own life? Nelson Mandela comes to mind when I try to think of a person that embodies my idea of sovereignty. Nelson was never Celtic by any stretch of the imagination. But when I look back at his history, I see a man whose entire life revolved around being sovereign; he stayed true to himself and held on to his own knowing and dignity during decades of imprisonment. And after his release from prison, Nelson tirelessly championed the cause of the black people gaining sovereign rule in South Africa long after most men retire from public life.

Ultimately Nelson Mandela became an icon; a symbol of the transformation that is possible when a simple human being lives in the knowing of their true wisdom and worth. He held onto himself and his knowing, even when ridiculed and abused for his views. And he transformed his world. For me, Nelson embodies sovereignty in every sense of the word. As he, himself once put it…

“I am the captain of my Soul.” ~Nelson Mandela

I claim sovereignty over my Self. I choose to captain my Soul through this life in the quiet, eloquent way that Nelson Mandela embodied. I claim sovereignty. And I understand that just my intention of claiming sovereignty over my life changes everything. My journey shifts and deepens. This is another turn along my spiral path.

Celtic Tree of Life

an original design by Welsh artist Jen Delyth ©1990
www.celticartstudio.com

☾ ☽

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

by
William Ernest Henley

June 18, 2013April 12, 2022

Just Right Goldilocks

My Dad passed last week. And this week I have many memories coming up about him; things he said and did, what I loved about him and also a few things I didn’t like so much. One of my favorite memories is hearing him call me Goldilocks. Goldy or Goldilocks was my Dad’s nickname for me. Even in his last days, when I would visit him, he would look up, smile and say, “It’s Goldy!” when I walked into the room.

I liked being called Goldy. No one except my dad has ever called me that. So, the nickname passes on with my dad, which is a little sad. But I had many years of being called Goldy or Goldilocks, and the name still makes me smile. Goldy actually referred to the golden blonde hair I had as a child. But Dad also used the name because he said, like Goldilocks, I would search and try out new things until I found the one that was “just right”. So true, so true! I still do that. Apparently I was picky and unwilling to settle even as a young girl. 🙂

I still search and push to find that one “just right” thing. I have found amazing houses to live in because of my constant quest for “just right”. And I love finding just the right restaurant, hiking trail, lawn chair or vacation spot. Searching for “just right” also led me to shift careers and try a lot of different jobs until I zeroed in on a profession that truly suits me. And my inner life is so much richer because of all the spiritual traditions I have explored over the years while searching for one that was just right for me.

But searching for “just right” can also be problematic. I have to be careful that my “just right” search doesn’t degenerate into a search for perfection. Yes, there is a difference between perfect and “just right”. Perfect has an obsessive-compulsive energy to it. When I get locked in perfect mode, it feels absolutely necessary to attain perfection. For example, when writing I sometimes get sucked into searching for the perfect word or phrase. And I feel compelled to keep trying and trying long after a reasonable person would quit. I can waste a ton of energy and make myself completely miserable when I fall into perfect mode.

The search for “just right” is more relaxed than perfection – there’s nothing necessary about finding “just right.” In the fairytale Goldilocks could sleep in any of those beds – she just wants to optimize her comfort! So Goldy takes a few extra minutes to try out every bed. There’s nothing OCD about it. “Just right” is about exploring all the options. “Just right” is nice to have, but not necessary.

My Dad is gone now, exploring in other realms. But while he was here with me, he taught me a lot about life and myself. I love that he found my “just right” quest interesting and amusing. Another parent might have turned this personality trait of mine into a problem. But Dad embraced me and my “just right” quirkiness. I love remembering that.

Happy Travels Dad.

Love –
Goldy

June 11, 2013April 12, 2022

Seeds of Possibility

I take an early morning walk; it is already promising to be a hot day. But here by the St. Vrain river, it is still cool and juicy and green. The dog and I wander down the river trail and I begin to see seeds everywhere… Seeds dangle above me, below me, in front of me. Seeds on grass stalks, trees ripe with seed, every weed flowering and throwing off seeds in the wind. Every plant seems to be going to seed right before my eyes.

Seeds symbolize potential for me; each seed is a tiny, little pocket of possibility. From a biological perspective, seeds actually hold the blueprint for all of creation on planet earth. EVERY bit of life here starts with seed; seeds are the source of all the plants in the ocean and on land. And every animal on earth, including you and me, began from a tiny fertilized ovum seed.

After decades of gardening, I am still amazed each time I witness life forming from a seed; I plant tiny black seeds the size of pepper grains in my garden, and within weeks, tiny seedlings sprout and transform into big heads of yummy green lettuce. Nature orchestrates a miraculous transformation from seed potential to juicy plant reality in just a few short weeks.

“You couldn’t hardly believe there was life in them tiny things,
some no bigger than grains of dust, let alone colour and scent,
if you hadn’t seen the miracle, could you?”
~L.M. Montgomery, Anne’s House of Dreams

One tiny plant seed, combined with a little water and sunlight, will grow into a cottonwood tree or a clump of grass. Or maybe even an entire meadow full of blooms. The creative possibilities from one seed are staggering. Every single little seed holds magical possibilities. And Mother Nature is obviously a gifted magician.

I walk by the river, spying seeds at every turn. It is as though nature is teasing and taunting me with the abundant possibilities of life. The sight of seeds dangling from every tree, bush and grass stalk is so outrageously over the top that I cannot help but smile at all this abundance. And it is just the message I need today; I’ve been working on a book for months, struggling to create a structure that will hold the ideas that want to burst forth onto paper. But this particular piece of writing is as slippery and elusive as an eel, slithering away each time I think I’ve finally got it pinned down.

I have been trying to grab this elusive book and hold it still so I can define it, but it defies all my efforts at solid definition. This particular book creation seems to thrive on chaos and confusion. And the final shape of this book is not remotely in sight yet. I find that I am a bit fearful of not having any sense of where this book and I are going to end up. Like most writers and artists, I love to pretend that I am in control of my creative process – even when I know in my heart that I’m not! When I am honest with myself, I admit that my husband’s view of my writing being some type of mysterious, organic secretion process is actually more accurate!

But here, on the river path this morning, I look around and see how Nature is absolutely pouring her creative juices into a future that can’t yet be seen. Mother Nature doesn’t sit and whine about not being able to predict the final shape of her creative efforts; she doesn’t refuse to proceed with seed production until the future is defined and absolutely known. Mother Nature just creates. And keeps creating. I believe she creates just for the sheer joy of creating.

I look around at all of Mother Nature’s creations and I remember that creativity is more about allowing than controlling. My attempts at control usually end up killing my creative flow. Creativity LOVES freedom and unconfined spaces. And my own writing moves into a magical space when I stop worrying about the final outcome, and just open up and allow the flow of ideas, the flow of words to come out in whatever form they choose to take today. The final product will take care of itself if I can relax and breathe, and just follow today’s flow. Relax and allow the words to flow without trying to clamp down and judge them or filter them or manipulate them.

I breathe in the sights and scents of Mother Nature’s creative abundance. I breathe and feel myself relax. Like every seed on my path today, this elusive book knows what it wants to become, even if it won’t reveal itself to me yet. My job is to allow it to flow out into the light of day and to water it with my loving attention.

I wonder if I can relax and enjoy watching this book shift and grow from week to week? Can I embrace this little shape-shifter instead of fighting its process? I wonder if I can learn to revel in all the possibilities that this seed of a book contains?

“It is a denial of the divinity within us
to doubt our potential and our possibilities.”
~Faust

May 23, 2013April 12, 2022

Seeing the World with Sacred Eyes

“The way we see the world shapes the way we treat it.
If a mountain is a deity, not a pile of ore; if a river is one of the veins of the land, not potential irrigation water; if a forest is a sacred grove, not timber; if other species are biological kin, not resources; or if the planet is our mother, not an opportunity – then we will treat each other with greater respect. Thus is the challenge, to look at the world from a different perspective.”

~David Suzuki

☾ ☽

I climbed up Buffalo Ridge yesterday. I nicknamed this ridge that shelters our home to the southeast Buffalo Ridge months ago – it just has the energy of buffalo roaming free for me. Well, yesterday I climbed to the top of Buffalo Ridge. And now, as I stare out my window at that ridge, it looks completely different to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve been talking about climbing this ridge for 2 years and I FINALLY did it! Yes, that’s part of the change.

But my internal shift involves more than just accomplishing something that I set out to do; Buffalo Ridge is now known to me in a completely different way. I have an intimate relationship with this ridge now; I look at Buffalo Ridge and see the rocks I scrambled over to reach the very top. And I see the circle of old pines that I sat beneath and rested. I remember startling the deer that were bedded down on its slope in the heat of mid-day. And I remember all the cactus just on the verge of blooming as well as the little white flowers already in full bloom.

Today I look out the window and I don’t see a ridge that I climbed. Instead I see an ally that watches over my home and neighborhood. I see a friend who shared some beautiful secrets with me. I am connected to Buffalo Ridge in a new way, and it will never again look like ‘just a hill’ to me!

May 15, 2013April 12, 2022

My Box

I live in a box – we all do. It may be a sacred box or a profane box… either way, it is still a box.

I have created a box or a “comfort zone” in life where I spend my days and feel safe. It is a mental box that I created from all the rules and habits that define where I live and work, who I interact with, what’s acceptable, “safe” behavior, what’s allowed in my family and my culture, what’s bad or wrong behavior, etc. And all those things that I have decided are off limits, too big or too scary to be part of my life, create the walls of my box.

Pain and Boredom as Catalysts

Ultimately my box defines how much of my true self I will share with the world. It’s very hard to be a big presence in the world if I choose to inhabit a tiny little box. But my little comfort zone of a box provides continuity and safety for me – no one wants to live in a completely unpredictable world where everything is new and unknown all the time. And my little box may be beautiful and fun for me. But as time passes my comfortable little box of a life may come to feel constrictive and limiting; I may begin to feel caged up and ache for something new.

The most amazing box can ultimately become downright painful; mine certainly did in the months before I decided to get divorced from my first husband. Or maybe I inhabit the same comfortable box for so long and come to know every corner of it so well, that I find myself bored to tears by its predictability. That was the case for several years before I chose to completely shift gears and change careers.

When I am bored or in pain, I am way more willing to stretch and embrace a little of the unknown. And I am way more likely to seek out change. I may decide to take a class, go on a trip, change jobs, start exercising, change my diet… 18 years ago I took a huge leap and got divorced – but only after aching for a change for years. I am only human; change, big change is most likely to happen when my box becomes too painful or too boring to bear for another second.

Pushing My Limits

Every shift or change I have ever made, involves expansion; I end up pushing against the limits of my old comfort zone. And like most people, I am willing to wait a long time and put up with a lot of boredom or pain before I try to change my life. It’s great to feel safe and comfortable. And change can be very uncomfortable and scary. But when my box becomes too painful or restrictive, I eventually reach an internal tipping point. Then I am willing to swallow my trepidation and make a change in my life.

With every change, I inevitably run up against my old limits; I push up against the walls of the safe and known box I’ve been living in. Or if I shift fast, I may even completely blow through the walls of my box before I realize it! When I run into, or completely blow by my old familiar limits, I feel fear – it’s not very comfortable to be outside my old box at first. And I am likely to find ways to contract again and sabotage myself. I get shaky and try to talk myself out of the shift. Or I decide I can’t handle the change or don’t know how to change. Ever insecurity of mine rears its ugly head!

Craving and Sabotaging Change

When I feel shaky, it’s natural to want to to crawl right back inside my old box; to run back to my old comfort zone, even when a huge part of me is still aching and crying out for something bigger, something more. But I’ve learned that it helps me immensely to remember that whenever I grow and expand, I will knock up against the walls of the comfortable “box” I’ve been living in. And when I do, I will feel quite vulnerable and fearful. It’s part of the process. I find it comforting to realize that I am just being human whenever I get scared and sabotage my own growth and change. I may even give myself a little slack if I can remember that all of us tend to do stupid, self-defeating things when we’re in a new world and feel off-balance and scared.

Realizing that it’s human nature to both crave and fight against change, helps me relax and give myself some grace. When I can own that part of me that fears and fights against change, I find it’s easier to pay attention and catch myself whenever I start to contract back into my safe little box. So, when I catch myself sabotaging the change and growth that I actually crave, I have a choice; I can berate and verbally beat myself up for being so dumb. I can give up and jump back in my old box and forget about every changing. Or I can try to treat myself with loving kindness; I can realize how vulnerable it feels to be outside my comfort zone. And do it anyway.

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt

How I Expand and Start Living Outside My Box:

1. Breathe and pause. Look around at life outside my old comfort zone; try to explore a little. Allow myself to take baby steps into the new world outside my old box. If I push or rush myself, I only trigger more fear and confusion and upset. Eleanor Roosevelt suggests doing one thing a day, not 20! Easy does it. There is no need to muscle through all my fear and confusion at once.

2. Own my fear and shakiness and confusion. Just allow myself to FEEL it all. Try not to stuff it or run from it. Remind myself again and again that it’s completely normal to feel this way when I jump outside my old comfortable box and land in a new unknown place! Chaos, fear and confusion are normal after any change – especially at first.

3. Breathe and ask, “is this fear – or curious excitement – or both jumbled up within me?” When I ask this, I usually find that a big chunk of what I am feeling is actually excitement at being in a new place outside my box. And curious excitement is way less loaded with negative charge than fear is. 🙂

4. Do things that blow off stress and give me physical comfort; exercise, get a massage or energy work, take long soaks in the bathtub, dance. Get my body grounded and moving in my expansive new world. I have learned that as soon as I get my physical body grounded, I start to feel 1000% better.

Breathing and owning my fear and confusion at being out of my comfort zone is key for me. If I can breathe and stay with those big hairy feelings of vulnerability and exposure, then the fear dissipates. And I can slowly calm down and ground in this new space. I can feel my way into how to get comfortable and embrace my brand new, exciting and scary, more expansive box.