Lessons of the Flood

Flooded Highway 36 in Lyons, CO
Flooded Highway 36 in Lyons, CO
September 12, 2013

I was one of the lucky ones; our house was on high ground and didn’t get damaged by the flooding in Lyons, Colorado.  But my family still had to evacuate and spend a month moving between various hotels in Longmont, CO. The entire town of Lyons lost sewer, water and gas service. And it still hasn’t been restored.

A few lessons I learned from the flood:

1. Mother Nature is in charge. We humans can fool ourselves for awhile, but when push comes to shove, nature rules.

2. People are amazingly kind-hearted. I saw so much compassion and caring in Lyons in the days and weeks after the flood. My heart continues to overflow with gratitude and joy for all the acts of kindness, both big and small that I witnessed.

3. Not having a place to go home to sucks.  Just this tiny taste of homelessness gave me huge compassion for people who spend months or years living in their cars or on the streets. Not having a home is truly nerve wracking.

4. I love Lyons, Colorado!  The town is still a complete mess, but I want to be part of this community.

5. Stress can literally kill you. Our 3 1/2 year old male cat Raja didn’t make it through a month of being away from home. Even though he was staying with an amazing friend, Raja got so stressed that he stopped eating.  Good bye, buddy! I hope you’re now hunting and sunning in cat heaven.

6. Flowing water can transform the landscape in a matter of minutes. The St Vrain river valley that I have loved and walked and photographed is now a different place.

After the Flood
After the Flood

Water does NOT submit to human control. We can dam it up, and try to stop it, but we should NEVER forget that water is born to flow. And it will continue to flow whether we humans like it or not!  Water will NOT be controlled.

7. Flow never stops; Each drop of water on planet earth is on a flowing journey that never ends. This visual of the ocean’s currents, gives us a hint of just how amazing water’s flowing journey truly is:

And my own journey continues; My husband and I spent days searching for a new place to roost without any results. Then, due to the kindness of my favorite realtor, Mark Webber, we rented a great house on the edge of Lyons. This one has a septic system and well (!)  AND a kick ass view:

Blue Mountain
Blue Mountain

Was this experience good? or bad?  Like the old Buddhist story goes, it’s still too soon to tell…

Smoke and Stone

Smoke and Stone
Smoke and Stone

I sit

breathing out my worry

and my wonder

as I silently ask the Goddess

what exactly is compassion?

and can I offer it to myself?

I sit

breathing out my fear

am I brave enough

to love

like a Boddhisattva

without reason, without end?

I sit

watching the Goddess

smoke dances, we sit

suddenly, the stone of me cracks

there is nowhere to hide

I am love.

Seeds of Possibility

Seed Tree

I take an early morning walk; it is already promising to be a hot day. But here by the St. Vrain river, it is still cool and juicy and green.  The dog and I wander down the river trail  and I begin to see seeds everywhere… Seeds dangle above me, below me, in front of me. Seeds on grass stalks, trees ripe with seed, every weed flowering and throwing off seeds in the wind.  Every plant seems to be going to seed right before my eyes.

Seeds symbolize potential for me; each seed is a tiny, little pocket of possibility. From a biological perspective, seeds actually hold the blueprint for all of creation on planet earth. EVERY bit of life here starts with seed; seeds are the source of all the plants in the ocean and on land. And every animal on earth, including you and me, began from a tiny fertilized ovum seed.

After decades of gardening, I am still amazed each time I witness life forming from a seed; I plant tiny black seeds the size of pepper grains in my garden, and within weeks, tiny seedlings sprout and transform into big heads of yummy green lettuce. Nature orchestrates a miraculous transformation from seed potential to juicy plant reality in just a few short weeks.

“You couldn’t hardly believe there was life in them tiny things,
some no bigger than grains of dust, let alone colour and scent,
if you hadn’t seen the miracle, could you?”  
~L.M. Montgomery, Anne’s House of Dreams

One tiny plant seed, combined with a little water and sunlight, will grow into a cottonwood tree or a clump of grass. Or maybe even an entire meadow full of blooms.  The creative possibilities from one seed are staggering. Every single little seed holds magical possibilities. And Mother Nature is obviously a gifted magician.

I walk by the river, spying seeds at every turn.  It is as though nature is teasing and taunting me with the abundant possibilities of life.  The sight of seeds dangling from every tree, bush and grass stalk is so outrageously over the top that I cannot help but smile at all this abundance. And it is just the message I need today; I’ve been working on a book for months, struggling to create a structure that will hold the ideas that want to burst forth onto paper. But this particular piece of writing is as slippery and elusive as an eel, slithering away each time I think I’ve finally got it pinned down.

I have been trying to grab this elusive book and hold it still so I can define it, but it defies all my efforts at solid definition. This particular book creation seems to thrive on chaos and confusion.  And the final shape of this book is not remotely in sight yet.  I find that I am a bit fearful of not having any sense of where this book and I are going to end up. Like most writers and artists, I love to pretend that I am in control of my creative process – even when I know in my heart that I’m not!  When I am honest with myself, I admit that my husband’s view of my writing being some type of mysterious, organic secretion process is actually more accurate!

But here, on the river path this morning, I look around and see how Nature is absolutely pouring her creative juices into a future that can’t yet be seen. Mother Nature doesn’t sit and whine about not being able to predict the final shape of her creative efforts; she doesn’t refuse to proceed with seed production until the future is defined and absolutely known.  Mother Nature just creates. And keeps creating. I believe she creates just for the sheer joy of creating.

I look around at all of Mother Nature’s creations and I remember that creativity is more about allowing than controlling. My attempts at control usually end up killing my creative flow. Creativity LOVES freedom and unconfined spaces. And my own writing moves into a magical space when I stop worrying about the final outcome, and just open up and allow the flow of ideas, the flow of words to come out in whatever form they choose to take today.  The final product will take care of itself if I can relax and breathe, and just follow today’s flow. Relax and allow the words to flow without trying to clamp down and judge them or filter them or manipulate them.

I breathe in the sights and scents of Mother Nature’s creative abundance. I breathe and feel myself relax. Like every seed on my path today, this elusive book knows what it wants to become, even if it won’t reveal itself to me yet.  My job is to allow it to flow out into the light of day and to water it with my loving attention.

I wonder if I can relax and enjoy watching this book shift and grow from week to week? Can I embrace this little shape-shifter instead of fighting its process?  I wonder if I can learn to revel in all the possibilities that this seed of a book contains?

“It is a denial of the divinity within us
to doubt our potential and our possibilities.”  
~Faust

Seed Tree II

Maybe Good, Maybe Bad

 

We Live in a World of Duality

Form /  Formless

Life  /  Death

Light /  Dark

Physical  /  Ethereal 

Earth  /  Heaven

Moon  /  Sun

Female  /  Male

Shakti   / Shiva

Love  /  Hate

Sorrow  /  Joy

Yin / Yang

The energy of our Universe flows and dances constantly between tangible form and formless energy. We are part of an intricate weaving of light and dark, form and formless, growth and decay. Duality is woven into the very fabric of our Universe.  And duality is a natural part of the miraculous dance of Spirit within earth, air, fire and water.

How do I keep my balance within this ever shifting duality? 

Pain and problems arise when I turn duality into polarity – when I attach an emotional charge to a person or  event. For example,  I might label something bad and reject it… or decide someone else is wrong and I am right… or push an experience away as bad and unwanted… or desperately crave something I don’t have. Pain and disconnect are inevitable when I polarize my experiences.

Judging and labeling EVERY single experience as good or bad
only makes me crazy and miserable!

What if I stop judging and labeling every aspect of Life as good or bad, right or wrong? What if I stop living in a state of charged polarity? What if I choose to actually live by the wisdom of the Tao?

“If good happens, good;  if bad happens, good. ”
~
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

One of my favorite parables about good and bad:

A farmer had only one stallion. One day, the horse jumped a fence and ran away. All the neighbors came by saying, “Oh no!  Such bad luck! You must be so upset.”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

A few days later, his stallion came back and brought twenty wild mares with him. The man and his son corraled all the horses. All the neighbors came by saying, “Wow! This is such good news. You must be so happy!”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

A few weeks later, one of the wild horses kicked the man’s only son, and broke the boy’s leg in 3 places. All the neighbors came by saying, “I’m so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

The country went to war, and every able-bodied young man was drafted to fight. The war was terrible and killed many young men from the region, but the farmer’s son was spared; his broken leg prevented him from fighting. All the neighbors came by saying, “You are so lucky! Your son didn’t have to go fight”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

~Author Unknown

 

What if I stop judging myself and all my experiences? What  if I meet EVERY experience with the energy of, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell”?

God already has everything under control, no matter how it looks in this moment. Maybe I should just open up and embrace the natural and inevitable duality of this world.

Can I stop judging and polarizing everything that happens to me? What if I allow my world to just be however it is today?   To allow is not polarized; to allow is a loose, easy state where I am open to possibilities. When I relax and allow my life to unfold, peace fills me. And balance follows.

——

Al·low    v.
          al·lowedal·low·ingal·lows

1. To let do or happen; permit
2. To permit the presence of
3. To permit to have
4. To make provision for; assign
5. To plan for in case of need
6. To grant as a discount or in exchange
7. Chiefly Southern & Midland U.S.

 

a. To admit; concede
b. To think; suppose
c. To assert; declare
(from http://www.thefreedictionary.com)

Resistance is Futile

Flame Tree
Flame Tree in Snow

Change is inevitable. Nothing stays the same for very long.

I take the same trail beside the St. Vrain river almost every day, and yet it is never quite the same path two days in a row. One morning last week on the trail, I was surrounded by tree branches filled with fiery autumn leaves. A few mornings later, snow completely blanketed the flaming trees and the sights and sounds of winter engulfed me.

Life is filled with cycles and shifts. From the passing of seasons to the aging of my body, change surrounds and engulfs me. And life continues to shift and change every day, every month, every year. Grasping at the old form, resisting change, makes today hurtful rather than joyful. I learned this lesson the hard way;  years ago I owned a property south of Kansas City that I loved.  I adored every inch of those 3 acres – every tree, every bush, every blade of grass was special to me.  The property was so significant and special that I wrote an entire book about the place (my first book, A Still Place).

And there was nothing bad or wrong about my love of that little parcel of land. The only problem was I clung to it and vowed to live in that spot until I died.  Silly, silly woman!  Well, life happened; I got divorced from one man and married another. I had a second baby and still I held onto that property. I refused to even think about moving. Then my husband’s job dried up and we faced a move cross-country to Chicago. And I had trouble letting go; I resisted leaving my lovely little property. But we needed to move!  The only thing my resistance caused was a slow, slow house sale and a ton of pain and angst.

We eventually sold the property and moved to Chicago. I was so sad, missing my little plot of land, wishing things were different, wanting to roll back the clock and undo the move.  But gradually, I let go. And when I finally stopped holding onto my past, I “woke up” and discovered that I was living in an amazing spot.  I found myself LOVING this new place and my new life.  All it took was letting go of the old life.

That experience left me knowing that my life is WAY less painful when I allow things to change and shift without resisting or pushing against the change. Resistance is futile! Resisting change only leads to pain and misery. 

I seem to periodically have to revisit this lesson in letting go and allowing life to unfold organically.  I can still make myself miserable trying to force today to look like some “perfect” day long past – or some fantasy day that I’ve never even experienced.  I can be so stubborn!  But when I remember that little piece of land that I adored so many years ago, I remember the value of letting go.

It’s odd; I have so many fond memories of that land south of Kansas City. 🙂 But now, I also remember all the amazing and wonderful stuff that happened to me when I let it go and moved on with my life.  And you know what? Today, I live in a space that is even more amazing!  And I would have never ended up here, if I hadn’t let go of that old place.

Life is a river; it keeps flowing and changing and moving. And in every moment I have a choice;  I can cling to the riverbank and wear myself out trying to stay right here in this spot. I can fight and resist moving downstream. Or I can let go and allow the flow of life to take me. I can let go and trust that  life can be even better around the next bend.

☾☽

Can I stop resisting and be grateful for change?

Can I let go of my urge to control and push and grasp?

Can I allow life to unfold and shift organically?

Can I just breathe and allow today to be?

 

Do Conscious Beings Get Triggered?

Hideous Swamp, Beautiful Swamp

Emotion is as natural for humans as breathing.  
I don’t make my breathing right or wrong, so why do it with my emotions?

It’s been an interesting week; I have spent more time than I care to remember in my swamp.  By swamp I mean a sticky, tangled, mess of uncomfortable emotions within myself. I don’t like my emotional swamp much – a lot of what I experience in the swamp sucks – it hurts. And then I add to my pain by judging myself for feeling this sticky, yucky crap in the first place. I would love to avoid my swamp.

Isn’t life supposed to turn into bliss and pure joy when I open up to more consciousness?  Have I failed because I still get triggered after all these years of mindful awareness training?  Am I doing this consciousness thing wrong if I still get pissed and sad and scared?

But, wait a minute!  All humans emote about their experiences – even beings as aware as Gandhi and Jesus felt emotions. Our bodies are wired to flow with emotion.  Emotion is as natural for humans as breathing.  I don’t make my breathing right or wrong, so why do it with my emotions?

Every experience I have can trigger emotional reactions, not just the yummy experiences.  Where did I get the idea that becoming conscious meant never being triggered, never feeling “yucky” emotions?  Isn’t that just a really sneaky way to judge myself and find myself lacking?  Just what I need – another way to beat myself up and make myself bad or wrong. NOT!

And what if being more aware in each moment elicits even more emotion within me?   All those sensations about this moment that I used to block or ignore are now available to me in my new state of awareness. What if those sensations trigger MORE emotions as I respond to all the new information I am now aware of? Is that somehow wrong?

And isn’t it just another form of judgment to label emotions  good or bad, acceptable or repulsive?  How is it going to help me to label my emotions as OK and not OK?  Can I let go of the idea that some human emotions are a sign of unconsciousness or inferiority?

We are emotional creatures. Trying to stop emotion is like trying to halt the flow of water. Can I allow my emotions to flow without stuffing them?  And can I stop judging myself right or wrong for feeling the way I feel in each moment?

What happens if I embrace it all – my grief, my anger, my fear?  Can I allow my emotions to be waves washing through me? What happens if I embrace ALL of me – even the parts I don’t like – in every moment?

“It’s not that you won’t be triggered anymore.
It’s that you won’t have a problem being triggered anymore.”
–Panache Desai

Am I a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

Good Witch
Bad Witch

What if I am both a good witch and a bad witch,
depending on the day?

When did I decide that women are supposed to be sorted into good or bad? saint or sinner? When did I conclude that we are either innocent pure madonnas or conniving evil whores?

I blame my messed up need to decide whether I’m good or evil on too many Disney movies…  and I’m only half kidding!  I challenge you to name one female Disney character that is not some ridiculous caricature of pure good or pure evil.  And no, you CANNOT count the female dog in Lady and the Tramp!  I’m talking about female HUMANS in Disney movies – name one – I dare you. 🙂  Consider Snow White and her nemesis, the Evil Queen.  How about Cinderella and her Evil Step-mother?  Or there’s Ariel and the Evil Octopus Lady Ursula. We are talking some seriously twisted black and white views of women!

Or maybe I should blame it on my Christian upbringing… no, wait, those are ALL bad, evil woman images aren’t they?  Eve, Lilith, Salome, whorish Mary Magdalene. The only good female image I can come up with after years of Sunday School is Mother Mary and she is merely a vessel at the beginning of the story brought in to birth the baby Jesus. Then she exits quickly stage left.  The Bible expresses a pretty dark view of my gender.

But it’s not just women getting labelled all good or all bad.  The entire world seems to obsess about sorting everyone and every experience into good or bad, right or wrong, black or white.  We love to polarize! Watch what the politicians say about each other and you’ll see exactly what I mean.  Last week the Republicans praised Mitt Romney as our national savior and vilified Barack Obama as the evil anti-christ. This week it’s the Democrat’s turn; now Obama is wearing the white hat and Romney is pictured in black.  What if we chose to realize that BOTH candidates are just mere mortal men?  Human beings with both strengths and weaknesses?  What if we just stopped buying into this black and white bullshit?

If you hate politics, just watch a little reality TV and notice how black and white it is. The Kardashian sisters appear to spend every waking moment fighting about which of them is the good-est witch and which is the baddest!  Even the son-in-laws are sorted into good (Lamar) and evil (Scott).  It is so polarized and so divisive.  But it makes for tons of drama.  And we all just cannot seem to look away.

What if we just stopped playing the polarity game?  What if we chose to see the world as a thousand  different shades rather than just black or white?  Blow that black and white mindset up!  It only makes us crazy and upset anyway.

Ok, so what if I embrace both my good witch AND my bad witch?  Everyone who knows me will tell you I am quite capable of being both – and sometimes even in the same day. 🙂  What if I just relax and stop judging myself and my every experience as GOOD or BAD, RIGHT or WRONG?  And what if I stop judging everyone else too?

I remember a story I heard years ago about the dangers of judging our experiences as good or bad:

A farmer had only one stallion. One day, the horse jumped a fence and ran away.

All the neighbors came by saying, “Oh no!  Such bad luck! You must be so upset.”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

A few days later, his stallion came back and brought twenty wild mares with him. The man and his son corraled all the horses.

All the neighbors came by saying, “Wow! This is such good news. You must be so happy!”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

A few weeks later, one of the wild horses kicked the man’s only son, and broke the boy’s leg in 3 places.

All the neighbors came by saying, “I’m so sorry. This is such bad news. You must be so upset.”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

The country went to war, and every able-bodied young man was drafted to fight. The war was terrible and killed many young men from the region, but the farmer’s son was spared; his broken leg prevented him from fighting.

All the neighbors came by saying, “You are so lucky! Your son didn’t have to go fight”  The man just said, “Maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell.”

What will happen if I live in a state of not judging myself or my experiences?

What will happen if I meet EVERY experience with the energy of “maybe good, maybe bad – too soon to tell”?